


i've spent six months now feeling like dead weight

by luxuryproblems



Category: Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: M/M, Trans Male Character, i want a cute bf who will treat me like a Boy, im projecting my dreams onto simon in this, simon is gay and trans in this he's a good dude, yall.....you know i had to do it to em
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-09 04:36:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13473825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luxuryproblems/pseuds/luxuryproblems
Summary: Bram gives Simon some validation that he needs.





	i've spent six months now feeling like dead weight

**Author's Note:**

> yall know what the FUCK is UP hello im trans i love boys. anyway im self projecting my dreams onto simon so in this trans au simon's a trans dude tbh me too bih i just want a boyfriend who will treat me like this so. im writing this for my own benefit.
> 
> i was gonna write film enthusiast simon and project my dreams onto him in that way as well but uh someone aka me forgot that simon hates movies as is canon in the novel. thanks becky albertalli. still love u tho bih. also i couldnt find or remember if bram was canonically taller than simon in the novel not the film so he's taller than simon in this just for one scene to make sense and to be kinda sweet and cute. thanks im gay. simon's a little out of character here tho overall because im bad at this shit but it's an au for a reason dudes. 
> 
> title comes from a raindance in traffic by the wonder years
> 
> tw for body/social dysphoria because big mood. this is basically a vent fic. some of the language in this might be? kinda transphobic? but he's talking about himself so im lumping it into dysphoria. i'm dysphoric and sad so i wrote this. let's get fucked up.

Simon doesn’t exactly like what he sees in the mirror everyday. 

Sure, some days are better than others. There are days where he feels good and wears whatever he wants and doesn’t have to think about it. Days like that are days he feels confident enough in how he looks to the point where he doesn’t kiss Bram in public, which he’s not exactly proud of, but, you know, Georgia and homophobia go hand in hand. 

Then, there are the bad days, the days that are sooner in between than the good ones. Days where he looks in the mirror and notices the bulge in his chest and the lack of bulge in his pants, days where he notices every curve in his hips and legs, days where he just wants to curl up and hide hide. Georgia and transphobia go hand in hand as well. 

He’s not the most masculine man in the world, nor does he look the part. He’s on the shorter side for biological guys but on the taller side for biological girls, and clocks in at about 5’7. He’s thin but curved a little around the edges, and wears his clothes a size or two too big. He likes the big shirts because they hide his body. Bram likes the big shirts because he loves how handsome his boyfriend looks. 

Simon is fixated on one part of his body in the mirror he’s standing in front of. He doesn’t exactly know why he hasn’t gotten rid of this full body mirror yet, or at least turned it around, but right now he’s staring at it, at his left hip to be precise. Simon is thin, but curved, and his hips jut out a little more than he wishes they did. 

He’s standing in a pair of plaid patterned blue and white boxers, and his normal day-to-day black half tank binder. His mother lets Bram into the house before school. Simon doesn’t hear the downstairs door open like he normally would. He’s too deep in his own thoughts. 

Bram is tall. Simon isn’t. There are days where he loves it. Bram will stand directly behind him and put his chin on the top of Simon’s head while they talk in one of their houses. Simon is perfect height to have his head against Bram’s chest when they hug. Bram loves it when Simon stands on his toes to kiss him, or wraps his arms around his neck. It’s sweet, simple moments like that. 

Then, Simon hates it. He hates being the shortest of his guy friends, even though Nick is barely taller than him. He hates being closer to the height of his female friends, and with his softer features and rounder face, looking more like them in association. It’s small things like that that make Simon turn his phone off and lay in his dark room for hours at a time.

He pulls a gray, baggy hoodie over his frame. He’s still so focused on his body, and doesn’t hear the door behind him open. 

His mind drifts to his personality. He’s a feminine guy, and he doesn’t mind that. All of his hobbies or interests are traditionally feminine, and he can’t stand that, but, they make him happy so he doesn’t make an effort to change them. 

He doesn’t like rap. He likes showtunes. He doesn’t like films. He likes musical theatre. He likes sports, but he doesn’t understand them. He just wishes he could fall into that category of trans guys who pass without trying, who like traditionally masculine things, whatever that means anymore, who don’t get called a girl almost daily, whose names aren’t traditionally Samantha.

God, why didn’t he just go by Sam? Wouldn’t that just have been easier? People would call him Samantha, he’d say something like “actually, I prefer Sam,” and they’d apologize and go on? That would’ve been so much easier than explaining that his name was Simon, and would have spared him the Simon Says jokes. But, it’s his name. It truly feels like his name belongs to him for once.

He likes the nicknames that come with it. He loves it with Leah or Nora or Alice or Bram or fucking anyone calls him Si. It makes his heart feel really warm. He knows that ‘real’ boys don’t normally get caught up in nicknames, but he can’t help it, it makes him feel like a ‘real’ boy. 

His mind goes back to his body, and all the thoughts of himself that are positive practically vanish. He’s still zoned out, then he feels two warm arms wrap around his body, and a head rest on top of his shoulder. 

He snaps back into reality and looks to his side. It’s Bram, and Simon gives a lazy smile to him.

Bram presses his lips to the side of Simon’s neck and whispers into his skin, “How’s my handsome man on this beautiful morning?”

The words don’t make all the dysphoria go away, but they make him, in this moment, feel invincible. Simon turns to him and wraps his arms around his neck, kissing him deeply. He mutters against his lips, “Fine, now that you’re here.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is short boring and bad im sorry i just had to vent because uhhh im dysphoric as hell and had to vent


End file.
